RSS
 

Archive for the ‘Lifethoughts’ Category

If Only Life Had a Snooze Button

26 Jul

My alarm goes off.

It’s 8am on a Monday. I press the snooze button. I say a little prayer, lift my head slowly from a mountain of pillows (I can’t lay flat or I won’t get air to my lungs) and put my body in an upright position, making sure I don’t do any sudden movements or I’ll start to cough my way out of breath. I’m finally up.

I take a puff of my inhaler #1, walk slowly away from bed into the bathroom. I brush my teeth, jump into the shower, making sure to leave the door open so the steam won’t suffocate me. I go back into the room, take a puff of inhaler #2 and get ready.

I put my phone on vibrate, take my stuff and head out the room. I take a bottled water just in case I get tired on my way to the car. I say bye to my dog, my fish, and my robo hamsters. I take baby steps to the parking lot, into the car.

It’s a 30-minute ride to work. I keep the radio on, but most of the time random stuff just goes through my head. Approaching the entrance to the building, I look for my ID card. I kiss Chet goodbye, and head to the elevator on to the 2nd floor, where people sometimes give me that why-are-you-being-so-lazy-to-take-the-stairs-instead look. I don’t mind them.

I get to my desk, and go through the stuff I need to do for the day. A meeting here, a client call there.

A day without a phone call with a client is considered a good day for me. It only means I don’t have to talk, explain, or laugh, and get out of breath and cough my brains out while on the phone. But if I have to do it, then I try my best to get it done.

It’s almost noon. My co-workers invite me to eat out. Fridays and Delicious Heights are my restaurants to go to, only because  instead of walking, I get to ride in a car going there. My answer would normally be yes, except when it’s a Monday or if they want to walk to the pizza place down the street. I don’t do “walks down the street” anymore. It’s just going to take me forever, and I would probably need oxygen.

People like to do their summer hours on Fridays, I do mine on Mondays. I get to leave work at 1pm and my mom picks me up. It’s her only day off from work, and the only time she’s in Jersey. It’s the only time we really get to spend some time together. I get home at 1:30pm, or sometimes go with her to run errands, but I usually just stay in the car so I don’t have to move so much.

Getting home and getting up the stairs to our 2nd floor apartment is probably my biggest challenge everyday. I need about 5 to 10 minutes (sometimes with the oxygen tank involved) after the hike to settle myself down and breathe normally again. Once I’m up the stairs, I rarely ever want to come down at night again to hang out with friends or do anything. Because that means having to shower, get ready, walk to the car, then go up the stairs again when I get home. It’s just too much work.

It’s almost midnight. I need to take a puff of my inhaler #1 again, say a prayer, and if it’s a really bad day, maybe hook myself up to the oxygen tank one last time until I fall asleep. I wake up around 3am, turn the machine off and go back to sleep hoping that I wouldn’t be out of breath anymore, at least not until I wake up again.

My alarm goes off.

It’s 8am on a Tuesday. I press the snooze button. I say a little prayer, hoping that I would somehow stay where I am a little while longer and that today would somehow be a better day.

If only life had a snooze button.

 
2 Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Ode to One’s Self

08 Feb

Life is too short to be too nice and to try and please everyone. There is not much time left in my life to be with people who annoy me, who want nothing to do with me, who bring out the worst in me, or don’t appreciate me or see my true value. Life is too short so why waste it by hanging on to energy drainers, empty promises and people who just won’t change.

Everyday is a gift and it should really be spent working hard on my dreams, taking control of my life, being with people I love and care about the most, and being exactly where I want and who I want to be.

I may not be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend. But I know that as long as I have my priorities straight, I have a good heart, and I stay true to myself, then I don’t need to apologize for who I am.

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Changes: Accepting the Inevitable

22 Nov

“When we are no longer able to change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.”
~Anonymous

I always believed that if I can’t change the way things look… then I just have to change the way I look at things. It’s hard to accept change, especially if it’s for the worse— like giving up something that’s important, or losing someone that you love. Changes are all for the better, if you just learn to look at them that way.As we all get older, we realize that people come and they go, but there are those who choose to stay. Things begin and they end, but there are some that continue to grow. People leave for a lot of reasons — better opportunities, more freedom, less liabilities, or because they choose to be with someone else. In this case, I have to understand that change is inevitable.

I’ve been faced with constant OVERWHELMING changes my whole life. I have learned to take control of some of them, and I’m thankful I have, because doing that got me to where I am right now. But for those times when I didn’t do anything to stop something from happening, I often wonder if things would’ve been different if I did. If things would’ve been better. But I also think that if things are happening the way they are, then they are probably meant to happen that way.

But how do we know? How do we know when it is right to stop things from happening, or when it is right to just let them happen? How do we know when we need to step up and do something, or when things are just better left alone? I am afraid of making mistakes that would cost me the people and things that I love, but I don’t want to sit around watching it all happen and just pass me by.

It’s hard to celebrate for good things if they are happening together with some bad ones too. For instance, getting something you extremely love but having to give it up for someone who needs it better… or achieving something but not having someone to share it with. It’s hard to be happy even when you know you are moving closer to your dreams, when you know someone who’s in it is moving farther apart.

Big changes. Big choices. Life is all about them. There are times when we can allow a situation to change, but there are times when we just don’t have a choice. Or do we?

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Living in the Moment: Immersing Yourself in an Experience

24 Aug

I recently had a discussion slash debate with a friend about the way we prefer to lead our lives. I, for one, like to “live in the moment” and he likes to “plan ahead”. People often link the idea of “living in the moment” with “having no direction in life”, and I strongly disagree on that notion. I think my friend thought that I prefer to have no direction in life, and therefore he insistently tried to change my views. Nevertheless, he didn’t. He said that I am thinking negatively by thinking that I will die today, because of that fact that I would like to “live today like there is no tomorrow”. But I think that he is THE one thinking negatively by putting it that way. I just think that many people are so concerned with adding DAYS to their life… that they forget to add LIFE to their days. If you have ever found yourself at home thinking about what you need to do at work, or at work thinking about things happening in your personal life, you know how distracting it is. Living in the moment means you are totally immersed in an experience. The past is history. The future is a mystery. The only time we really have is now – just this moment.

How many times have you said to yourself “Wow, today sure went by fast”. It seems that our lives are so complex and so full of things to do that we forget to feel the moments that together make up a day. Moments are lost amid the clutter of everyday and they become blurred by the activities we invent. It seems like activity is more important than the moments in which they occur. When you stop and think back on the events in your life that you vividly remember. Those are the events where you were living in the moment. Even though years have passed, you can still remember the details. That is how I would want to live my life; to make each and every day memorable. Living in the moment is easy during special times in your life. Your first kiss. The day you graduated college. Your wedding day. However, most days don’t contain special events, and unless you learn to live in the moment, worry, fear, resentments or other distractions will rob you of your life.

Another issue that my friend and I disagreed on is the fact that I “want to earn just enough to lead a comfortable life”, while he on the other hand said that I “should always work for more than what I need”. My opinion on this is tied up to living in the moment as well. There is this compulsion that some people have of always wanting more before they can be happy – more money, a better house, a fancier car, a better spouse, etc. Those people never get to a place of arriving – or enjoying the moment. Sometimes, we have to stop and ask ourselves “What if this is as good as it gets?” And when you do, majority of us will realize that we had spent a huge part of our lives fantasizing about the future, when things would get “better”. When we let go of requiring that the future be any certain way… Poof! We suddenly become happy, satisfied and content with what we have now.

My idea of living in the moment is not calling out 5 consecutive days from work just to go to the beach. It is not splurging my entire salary on 5 pairs of shoes, and then not having enough money to pay for my bills. It is not missing a very important presentation in school to drive down to the beach and get a tan. My idea of living in the moment is simply following your urge, your instincts, without second-guessing yourself or worrying about the circumstances ahead of you. If a day calls for a really expensive meal at a fancy restaurant. Hey, why not? If a friend crossed the line with you and you want to get mad and say something back. Hey, why not? Because you might never get that moment or that chance again. The truth of life is that all we really have is today. Yesterday is only vapor and tomorrow will never come. Today is the time line of your life and each moment contains the essence of your being.

I don’t want to live a life of “just plans” and live today for tomorrow, because if I keep on doing that, I will I never get to live today for today. I just believe that doing our best at this very moment is what puts us in the best place for the next moment. A man is truly free only at the moment he chooses to be. How our discussion concluded? Neither of us has changed our views, and it will be an ongoing debate for God knows how long. One can alter another person’s decisions, but one cannot truly change what another is made of. Principles are not meant to be pushed or argued about. That’s why they are called principles. Like I never fail to say in the end of anything that I have to say, to each his own.



 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Disappointment

06 Jul

A word that most people don’t know how to define, but certainly know how to feel.

It is not the same as being hurt. It is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on personal choices contributing to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on outcome. It is a source of psychological stress.I believe that the worst possible feeling in this world is not the feeling of hurt… but rather the feeling of disappointment.

Imagine waiting your entire life for this one thing that would make your life better, only to find out it isn’t really what you thought it would to be. Imagine giving your entire time, heart and soul to something you thought would eventually be yours, only to find out it was meant to be for someone else. When one too many disappointments come into your life, you kind of stop believing that things can go on as planned, and you kind of stop believing that promises are actually made to be fulfilled.

You start to think that you just can’t make anything happen. You start to think that each and every day will be just another disappointment and you start to think that promises, in a sense, are actually just made to be broken.

When you’ve been conditioned that things just never go your way and that what you thought is… will only end up being not, you already kind of expect the worst in any situation. How sad is it to expect the worst in any situation?

The worst part of all of this is realizing that in the end, your life is just one big disappointment. To hurt someone is one thing, to disappoint them is another. It is better to get hurt, because it heals. Time heals and the feeling goes away.

But disappointments? They pile up until you no longer believe in anything anymore.

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Hallmark Holiday?

14 Feb

“Why do we have this so-called “holiday”? Because the card, candy, stuffed animal companies (& florists) want to make more money, and also to make those of us unattached persons feel like worthless wretches, that’s WHY!!”

“Saint Valentine worked for Hallmark. He decided the best way to succeed was to CREATE a holiday. Boom, Valentine’s Day! It tortures the couple-less and fattens to pockets of flower peddlers and greeting card companies. Everywhere you look, there’s disgusting mixtures of red and pink. God, I hate pink.”

These are just a few things I’ve seen people say about Valentines Day… and it saddens me. Yea, it is indeed true that lots and lots of greeting cards, stuffed animals, chocolates and flowers are all what makes this day alive, and you have to spend some money to get them, and why not? Aren’t we all guilty in spending money, anyway? Sometimes even for the most stupidest reasons.

Flowers are beautiful and are created for a reason. They can beautify the surroundings and they can make a person feel beautiful and loved. Chocolates are made to be eaten, to satisfy a sweet tooth or a craving. Stuffed animals are made the way they are to be held, or to be hugged. And even cards are written carefully with deep thoughts. Pardon my sappy-ness, but just how in the world can any of these be a joke to anyone?

Have we all forgotten that LOVE is the single most important thing in this world? That LOVE is what’s supposed to make the world go ’round?

So what’s wrong with celebrating l-o-v-e? Don’t we celebrate being alive on our birthdays? And isn’t that we also celebrate our “moms” on mother’s day and our “dads” on father’s day? If we can celebrate “working” during labor day, then why do we turn up our noses when it comes to celebrating “love” on valentine’s day?

I guess most of the people who look at valentine’s as the official “love stinks” day just don’t have significant others to share it with. but why hate? there have been times when I celebrated valentine’s day alone, or just with friends or family and it didn’t bother me at all. I guess some people just try to associate the word “love” with having a steady, but it means so much more than that.

It also amazes me that even people who actually have significant others complain about valentines day being just an excuse for stores to suck on their wallets. You know what I think? I think THEY are the ones who are trying to come up with an excuse. An excuse not to do something special for their loved ones on this day.  Either they’re just too lazy, too cheap or they just don’t want to bother making that effort to make their loved ones feel special on this day. This ONE day in an entire year that they get the chance to.

I think that people who claim that Valentine’s Day is “just” a “Hallmark Holiday” and is just an “excuse” for businesses to make money, are people who simply worry more about their money and spending it. People like these obviously put more thought to their MONEY more than anything else, even more than love and to celebrate it.

Happy Valentines Day, everyone!

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Memoirs of 2007

01 Jan

The year 2007 has been a roller coaster ride for me. There was so much excitement and anticipation as the year progressed. So many ups, as well as a few drops here and there. But most importantly, it was worth every minute of the ride!

My boyfriend’s family and mine opened up a restaurant in February, and another one in May of this year. It was originally a partnership between our families, but towards the end of the year, my parents and I decided to give up the partnership and concentrate with other things. We all learned that there are much more important things in this life than business and money, and that is keeping a good and healthy relationship with each other… because friendship always comes as a big challenge and is always put at stake when people are in business together. We all decided that we are all better off as friends than business partners, which is really what we all are meant to be in the first place.

I finally graduated from my 2-year college program and got my associates degree in Business last May. I may be a few years late for my time, but that’s only because of some bumps along the way, and spending a lot of time figuring out what I really wanted to do. I am currently finishing up my bachelors degree in Marketing.

I had my first plane ride with my bf to visit his relatives and mine in Arizona on the last week of July til the first week of August. It was our first major trip without friends, and just the two of us together. It was such an unforgettable, and different experience. We fell in love with the place! Next stop: Vegas.

After over 10 years of trying, my grandparents (mom’s side) were finally given a tourist visa to visit us here in the states.  I haven’t seen them for almost 8 years and it was really a big day for all of us! They came on September, spent Thanksgiving with us and will be touring the United States during their entire 6-month stay to see other friends and relatives from all over the place. They were also reunited with their two other children, my uncle and aunt, who they haven’t seen for almost 40 years.

The months of September, October and November have just been all about school and work, with occasional play. It was a real challenge for me having to spend every single stressful day at work with my bf not because I want to, but because I have to. We would fuss and fight over the littlest of things and I have finally proven to myself the famous cliche that “it is very hard to work with your partner.” We ended all that for the better – the working together part, and it has been great ever since.

Last November 24th, I also celebrated my much anticipated 25th birthday. We had a little gathering with the family in celebration of my birth as well as Thanksgiving Day, followed by a night out with close friends at a local lounge to celebrate the event. It was a memorable day for me because I was able to spend my birthday with the people I love the most. Oh, and I also got a haircut after my birthday (..a la Posh!)

I was thankful on how this semester turned out for me. I got all A’s and high B’s, despite of all the day to day stress I’ve been on. I’m just ready to move on and finish this bad boy up soon and start a new life and a career.

This December, a good friend of mine popped the big question to his girlfriend, another good friend of mine on Christmas Eve, and it was great news to everybody. Congratulations guys, (you know who you are) and I can’t wait for you guys to get married already.

Unfortunately, Christmas wasn’t quite as I have expected it to be this year due to a number of reasons. Nonetheless, I was still thankful that I got to spend it with the people I love and care about the most. I just wish some things turned out the way I wanted them to be, but like someone once said to me “..not everything in this world is about you..,” and I had to learn that the hard way this year. If I want something for my own, I might just have to get it on my own.

My year-ender: I’ve learned a lot this year, and I’ve also grown up a lot (at least that’s what I’d like to believe) but if there is anything that I need to prove this coming year, it is not to anybody but to myself. So no public new year’s resolutions this time, just keeping them all to my own.

I just want to wish everyone a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

The Love in my Life

19 Feb

Five years and a day ago, I gave my heart to someone. I wasn’t lonely, and I really didn’t need anybody. I was just happy minding my own business and doing my thing, not worrying about someone else but myself. But one day, someone came along and gave me something nice to look forward to everyday. Showing up out of nowhere, it seemed as if it was his job to make me happy. I found not only a meantime friend, but someone who seems like a keeper. I was swept off my feet, and that’s just something that a normal girl like me would smile about. I felt special and taken care of, most especially, needed and loved. It just felt like we were so right for each other. I started feeling the same way and I wanted to do all that for him in return. I wanted to make him feel special. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to let him know that I needed him. I wanted to love him.

Why I love him…

I love him because he loves me. He accepted me despite of my imperfections and incapabilities. For once, he proved to me that not all men are the same, that he was different. He makes me smile with just the little sweet things that he does.

Why I can’t stand him sometimes…

He forgets. Easily. It’s not that he breaks some promises, but he forgets some promises he makes. Sometimes it’s also very hard to get through him.

Why we’re perfect together…

In whatever mess we put ourselves into, we still manage to put everything back together.

How it all went wrong…

I kept my heart away to anyone else who tried to come close. I took my friends and family for granted because I thought he was enough to keep me alive and happy. I’ve loved him more than anyone and anything. My world started to revolve around him, thinking that I could never find other form of love like the one that he can give me. I depended on him for everything – love, happiness, security, and friendship. I kept thinking to myself that without him, I am nothing. I loved him too much. I dedicated my life and time to who he is and what he wants, while completely forgetting who I am and what I want. His happiness mattered more to me than my own. I’ve always known what I was doing wrong, I don’t know why I haven’t done anything about it. Maybe because I was secretly hoping for the same in return. But that’s not reality. The reality of things is that you can love however the way you want to love, but you will not be loved the way you choose to be loved.

How and why I wanna make it right…

I already have.

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Amnesia

06 Nov

It’s been quite a long time since you and I first met. It was in the fall of 2001. I was shy at first but you knew just the right things to say just to break me out of my shell. The first thing you said to me was not “hi”. Instead, you asked me if wanted to go to the mall. It was like you’ve known me forever. Although I refused to go (being that you were still somewhat a stranger), it wasn’t the end of it. Nature found its way for us to meet again the following day.  And from then on, we were inseparable. The moment we exchanged words, it seemed as if we’ve known each other since we were kids. Everything you said just seemed to have made me laugh, if not smile. That moment, I thought to myself, “I think I found my newest best friend.”

The semester is now done, and we see each other now almost everyday. One night, you picked me up at my house and drove to the beach (you didn’t know back then, but it was one of my favorite places) on a cold winter night. It was my first time to be on the beach on a weather as cold as that. We laid on the sand, listened to the waves, and watched the stars. Next thing I know, we were sharing your jacket and you had your arms around me. I felt warm. You also bought me hot chocolate, which was very sweet. Although it was too hot it burned my tongue really bad. Everything might sound perfectly romantic, but not really. There were a few quirks like the hot chocolate incident (and that time I thought the seagulls were floating chrirstmas lights) and a lot more. At this point, you’ve already seen how funny things like to happen to me, and what a real klutz I am… but you said it just drew you closer to me even more.

I also remember the times when we eat breakfast, then go back to sleep (not with, but) side by side each other in your room, and on most of those times, I can always feel your breath on my face. There was no malice. We watch dvd’s on your couch, while you have your arms around me. Each and every day we spend with each other made me feel closer to you. Closer and most comfortable than I’ve ever been to anyone I’ve met in my life.

I remember the day you first held my hand. It was as if you didn’t wanna let it go. The way you stared at me at times when you just felt like staring made me feel a little uncomfortable, but it made me smile inside. It was as if your eyes were telling me something, but I wasn’t sure. You would occasionally pinch me or hug me from behind and tell me I’m really cute. You just didn’t know at that time, but I was also thinking in my head how cute you really were, too. The things that you do were just so cute, I couldn’t help but be happy when you’re around.

Stuffed bears, cards, letters, flowers, cds, jewelries unexpected visits and unsuspected compliments were just a few things you gave me. They might be ordinary things a girl gets from a boy, but they still never fail.

I was alone, never needed anyone until you came along. You were a stranger once, who found always found ways to make my heart melt.

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 

Loving Someone is a Risk

25 Jun

We make ourselves believe in something and invest all of what we are into it, sometimes it works out, but sometimes it turns out to be a mistake or a total failure. We’ll never know unless we actually are caught up in that situation. Which then makes it a trap – an emotional trap. Because once you’ve fallen, believe me, it is such a struggle to get back to your own stable self again. It’s funny what a single smile can do, or some flowers and chocolates can instantly make you feel you’re in love. It’s unbelievable how small and simple conversations over the phone, or some company when you’re alone, and little unsuspected compliments can make you fall for someone so darn fast. Not to mention how sex and all that intimacy can amazingly play a big part on long-term plans and makes you decide who you want to share your life with. This is not the point where anyone should realize if they are really in love. These things play quite a role, but it takes more than this…

In reality, love isn’t measured by how long you’ve you’ve been with each other. It also isn’t all about being happy and feeling all warm inside all the time. It is not just about the laughter and the good times. Love tests our patience, understanding, strength, tolerance, and capability to communicate well, especially when it is crucially needed. Love is not just caring for one’s own feelings, but taking in consideration how the other person feels as well. Love isn’t all about the good times. Love is also all about the bad times – the endless waiting, dealing with unwanted challenges, misunderstanding each other, becoming weak, sharing intolerable moments, big fights and everyday arguments. It’s okay to have these things, and they’re part of any relationship.

Love is measured best when it is challenged. Fights and misunderstandings happen for a reason so don’t avoid them or feel bad if they happen. They’re there to tell you how strong your relationship is… how well you know each other… how far you would go to make things better again… and how much a person really loves you. They are tests you need to put effort in, and pass with flying colors. Failure to deal with these things, or simply choosing not to, only constitutes a failing relationship. It’s best to be with someone who is not just willing to fight, but is also willing to make things better…someone who knows how to do one of the most important things in any relationship – compromise.

 
No Comments

Posted in Lifethoughts

 
« Older Entries